When Life is perplexing... Ask Astro-Coach The Q&A column combining astrological insights & life coaching wisdon
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The sole purpose of the Ask Astro-Coach column is to demonstrate how an astrological perspective supports better informed decisions by providing deeper understanding of real-life situations. It is not meant to replace your own good judgment, nor the services of licensed professionals, such as psychologists, attorneys, physicians, or financial advisors.






References and Notes
To easily view footnotes while reading the answer, hover your cursor over the footnote number in the text, and a pop-up box will appear.

1. Chart patterns were first identified by Marc Edmund Jones. The classic hemispheric pattern chart has all of the planets within 180 degrees of each other in 6 contiguous houses, preferably all in one hemisphere of the chart. See Dane Rudhyar, Person Centered Astrology, Aurora Press, 1980, pp. 187–195), and Michael R. Meyer, A Handbook for the Humanistic Astrologer, Universe, 2000, p.140.

2. A psychotherapist with an interest in men’s issues whom I know, said that "some prefer the old descriptors (gay or bi or straight) because they confer a feeling of identity. Freud theorized that all of us are, at our deepest core, bisexual—by which he meant capable of forming sexual attachments to both women and men. Subsequent studies, such as Kinsey, have uncovered the fact that many 'straight' men have sex with men (either rarely or frequently). This is a cross-cultural, cross-historical phenomenon; you are not alone. Many men who report involvements with both men and women report, as do you, that the relationships are 'different' with different sexes."

3. Including 2° orbs, transiting Pluto opposition natal Jupiter from 12/25/03-10/2/06 and conjoined natal Moon from 12/19/04-12/10/06; transiting Neptune squared natal Ascendant from 3/14/04-1/7/07; transiting Uranus conjoined natal IC from 5/18/04-2/26/06, squares natal Sun from 4/9/06-2/4/08, and squares natal Moon 5/25/08-3/4/10.

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Ambiguous Guy
Ask Astro-Coach Online February 2007 (2)

Q. I am 52 years of age and have been married and divorced twice and had many relationships with women, the vast majority of which have been disastrous in the long term. I struggle like a demon with my sexuality. You see, I am attracted to men; but although there is a definite attraction, I could never 'settle down' with a man. The very idea is ridiculous and would not fulfill me. I have had sex with men hundreds of times in my life—mainly casual encounters—but it is only with women that I feel 'real'. I agonize over my sexuality and simply don't know which way to turn. Do you see anything in my natal chart to help me?
— Ambiguous Guy

A. Your dilemma is truly heart wrenching. To be at odds with one’s sexual identity is to be battling oneself at the deepest level. Based on what you say, it’s not a surprise that the vast majority of your relationships with women have been disastrous—and I wonder if the same is not true about your relationships with men? It all comes back to your relationship with yourself and the fact that one part of you is clearly at odds with the rest of you.

The powerful natal opposition that defines your chart is an appropriate metaphor for your inner polarization. Your planets form a Hemispheric pattern, meaning that all of your planets are contained within approximately 180°.1 This grouping is defined by the your Sun/Moon conjunction (representing the male & female archetypes within each of us) in Sagittarius (the seeker), straddling the 2nd house cusp (one’s physicality and resources) in opposition to Jupiter (participation in the world) retrograde in Gemini (moving to the beat of your own drum—which you both enjoy and loathe) in the 8th house (shared resources—including one’s sexuality).

Oppositions between the 2nd and 8th houses can relate to issues of generation and regeneration—emphasizing both the physiological (2nd house) and psychological (8th house) components of sexuality. Your description of your inner battle infers a culturally conditioned aversion to the idea of your natural inclination towards having sex with men. (MSM—a term referring to a man who has sex with men—preempts the use of descriptors such as bi, straight, or gay, and may be a better fit for you.)2 Can it be that you only feel ‘real’ with women because you won’t allow yourself true intimacy with a man? But that your relationships with women have been ‘disastrous’ because you are kidding yourself and them into believing that you will remain monogamous when you’re sexually attracted to men?

Birth Chart: Ambiguous Guy
Natal Chart - Ambiguous Guy
Source: Birth Certificate

Powerful planetary oppositions such as yours, reveal deep internal struggles, often leading to an "either/or" perspective which may feel neither satisfying nor authentic. The potential in this planetary pattern is for a "both/and" possibility. What if your strong predisposition to having sex with men, and your equally strong predisposition for settling down with a woman were both possible, and not mutually exclusive? Imagine what life would be like for you if you felt comfortable in both roles, without feeling that your integrity or authenticity were being denied.

The current planetary climate has certainly brought this long-standing and agonizing issue up in the most powerful way. For the past several years, transiting Pluto (intensely powerful transformations) has been stimulating your natal opposition, first opposing natal Jupiter and then conjoining natal Moon. The opportunity this brings into your life is for you to, once and for all, meet your demons head-on. Next, transiting Neptune squared natal Ascendant as transiting Uranus trundled over natal IC. Taken together these potent transits rocked your world making you question the entire foundation of your being—something that has been a long-standing theme in the realm of sexuality and relationships. Is this identity crisis so powerful because of an ambiguous sexual identity? Or because of the unsatisfactory quality of your relationships with both sexes? These questions deserve deep thought—especially now.

While this once-in-a-lifetime series of transits started some years ago, it will take several more years to complete, enough time for you to do some serious work on these issues, so you experience the transformational possibilities. Ask yourself, "What is self-acceptance?" as you move forward to resolve your long-standing dilemma. The planetary climate supports your progress towards arriving at your own unique way of mediating between cultural mandates and inner psychic demands for closeness and sexual expression.

To support you is the current transiting Uranus squaring natal Sun, thrusting the possibility of a new and more integrated identity—one that is rooted in your unique individuality rather than on your ideas about who you’re supposed to be. I encourage you to take advantage of this highly potent and useful planetary interlude.3 Consider hiring a seasoned therapist—preferably one who has experience with such sexual identity, sexual preferences, and intimacy issues. It would be worthwhile exploring why the idea of living with a man is "ridiculous" and why your past relationships with women (including 2 marriages) were "disastrous." Can you imagine a life where your relationships are deeper, more meaningful and actually satisfying? Can you imagine feeling good about your sexuality and your connection to others? I encourage you to do so and to realize that this is within reach, even now in your 50’s—if you choose to harness the planetary opportunities to transform your perception and come to love and fully accept yourself.

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